On March, 27, as a part of the Week against Homophobia the Coming Out organization organized a panel on “Bringing up children in a homophobic society (bringing up children in LGBT families, heteronormativity and heterosexism of the modern education)”.

We are glad to note that among those who joined us to discuss this really important topic were a psychologist (Elena Tumanova), a kindergarten teacher (Maria), a “second mother” from lesbian family (Larisa), a schoolteacher (Valery Sozaev) and even a father from a heterosexual family (Oleg Pachenkov, sociologist). Of particular note is the excellent panel planning achieved by Alexandra, the event coordinator, and a wonderful job done by Natalya Gudzovskaya as panel leader; thanks to her questions the experts had the opportunity for an in-depth presentation of their positions and the audience felt included in the discussion on the topic.

A lot of attention was paid to the fact that the parents from queer families bear a particular responsibility to their children for their coming-out. A child of two mothers or two fathers is early confronted with the need to explain to people around her why her family is not like the others.

Regretfully, the answers of the experts mostly do not bring any hope for solving the problem in the close future.

Starting from the kindergarten, a child from a queer family is unprotected in the homophobic society. If she is lucky the kindergarten teacher, knowing that the child has two mothers, will treat her as an ordinary child and not to question about her mothers’ interaction at home. Regretfully, it is quite a regular practice for kindergarten teachers to inquire how often the children’s fathers come home drunk or their mothers spend the night out and how they quarrel after that. It’s a wonder if already at this early age a child does not get a feeling that there’s something wrong with her and with her family. And what about the parents of other children? Who can guarantee that they won’t demand “protecting” their children and “keeping away” what they do not understand? The kindergarten teacher invited as an expert did not chase away my doubts and possibly strengthened them since she had a problem answering how she would behave in case the parents will start worrying. And what she would answer to other children’s questions.

School. Besides such technical problems for the parents of primary school children as the need to enter your partner as a relative into the list of “people permitted to collect the child after lessons and to come to parent-teacher meetings” (yes, that happens too, for security, they say), at the age of 12 to 14 there will be other problems, both with other children and teachers. The rumor that a teenager has “strange” parents can poison several of her school years. Those are the years when teenagers consider their peers’ opinion to be of utmost importance, the years when teenagers gather in groups and keep friendships against anyone who is different. The years when children are cruel. And the teachers do not shy away from expressing their opinions no matter whether they have an occasion for it and without understanding that their opinion is not the ultimate truth. I am deeply convinced that all the bullying of children in schools happens with the silent permission of the teachers. And sometimes they take a part in it themselves.

I think the schoolteacher invited as an expert agreed with me, but the psychologist didn’t. I wish I could believe that if a child is loved by her family and does not feel her parents’ inner homophobia which creates their own inhibitions, if she is given the possibility to learn to protect herself then all the problems of social adaptation of children from LGBT families will end at once. I also would like to know how many of our families do not have those problems…

The problems mentioned by the “second mother” of an 11-year-old daughter also do not inspire optimism. The girl who used to consider her family perfectly normal started to change her opinion under the influence of her friends.

The heterosexual father, however, made me glad, and not just by taking part in the panel. I liked a lot how he brings up his daughter and how he speaks about it. It’s a pity that such fathers are rare, and not just because of lack of tolerance.

Going to the panel I did not think that it will solve all the problems; however, I wanted very much to hear something positive and to feel glad for someone’s successes and achievements. But let’s go look at the panel name and remind ourselves just what society we live in…

In conclusion, a bit more about pleasant things: before the panel there was a slide show of LGBT couples with children. American couples, of course. It was very beautiful and inspiring to see all those wonderful faces, so happy and so different. Regretfully, photos of LGBT couples with children from Russia are almost unknown. I will publish here possibly the only one such photo existing in the open. It’s from Lida Mikhailova’s project “I am a lesbian. Do people around me know about it?” This couple is from Moscow. They are bringing up three children. The twins on the photo - a boy and a girl - are now 11 months old. With both their mothers’ permission we are now able to publish their photo at this age. Their mother also writes poetry and visited my house concert recently. Marta Yakovleva.

And at the end I’d like to direct you to the impressions of LJ user iodine who described this panel very well. It’s worth to notice that this is a man’s outlook.

Text by Alyona Laskoronskaya